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INTERVIEW: Exclusive: Destroy All False Metal does not play metal

24 October 2018

Destroy All False Metal might sound like a radical metalhead’s ultimate dictum but it’s actually just a band from Wellington, and tonight they’ll be playing Dunedin.

Formed when members of Beatcomber, Goya and Mothers Dearest met up for a spontaneous jam, the (super?) group have been kicking around Wellington’s underground for the past few years. Now they’re bringing their new lineup to the South Island for the first time.

I spoke to two of the five members, vocalist Joel Cosgrove and bassist Kelsi, and discovered that they actually have no interest in destroying false metal.

“We don’t try to be metal at all, like to me it’s kind of a weird name that Joel picked up ages ago.” explains Kelsi.

“I think it’s hipster ironism in that none of us can really play metal.” says Joel, ”Jed [guitarist] can chuck out some riffs and that’s about it, so it’s this kind of idea that like it’s this real puritan sort of earnestness that we can’t meet, so we kind of like want to destroy ourselves because we’re false metal.”

In reality it turns out they’re actually more of a punk band.

“We use the term bubble punk, it’s sort of open ended. What do you think Kelsi?”

“I just kind of say punk when people ask and I kind of have no idea, it’s really hard to describe”

It’s even harder for me to describe because they haven’t released any studio recorded music yet. Joel reckons their first EP should be out later this year, until then they’re in that cool phase where your only chance to experience them is live.

“A lot of our songs are sort of like tongue in cheek, just real profane songs about… Jesus and stuff, and allowing pandas to f**k in piece.”

Joel elaborates on the Panda concept.

“Just this whole idea that you’re sort of like… We’re pushing panda’s into extinction so we’re forcing them to f**k, which they don’t want to do, to stop them from going extinct, which we’re responsible for.”

“They just want to go to sleep.” explains Kelsi.

Joining them at the gig will be local legends The Rothmans, who Joel saw playing at an infamous Wellington house party where they literally collapsed the floor.

“That was crazy, I’ve never seen anything like that”

“I had a friend who was at the back of the room, and he was like suddenly I could see the band and I knew something was really wrong”

“No one knows if he fixed the floor… I think he got kicked out.”

I reached out to the host of the gig, Ethan, for clarification and he confirmed that “yeah lmao I did indeed”.

Luckily the floor at The Crown Hotel has withstood many crusty punk onslaughts over the years, because DAFM gigs are known to be pretty bouncy too.

“The energy just gets really up and Joel interacts with the crowd and it’s a lot of fun” says Kelsi.

“I guess we’re just really excited to come down to Dunedin” adds Joel.

“I’ve played Chick’s a couple of times and that was always the best time, Queen’s that was always sweet… Like, Dunedin crowds, and Christchurch crowds as well, are sort of like yeah, it’s always really fun.”


Obscure and unofficial media from gigs in Dunedin, New Zealand since 2014. More Info

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